June 29, 2008
Helping (Stubborn) Aging Parents
Instead of writing this month’s newsletter, I spent the last two weeks in North Carolina helping Mom and Dad get settled after Mom spent 3.5 months in a rehab hospital after a fall. Because Dad has mild dementia, he spent that period of time first at my brother’s in Michigan, and then at my sister’s in Ohio. Mom is 87 and Dad is 84. Until recently Dad had the body, and Mom had the mind. Now Dad’s body is winding down as well.
Here’s a picture of them last year when we celebrated our visit at the Steak and Lobsteer. They look pretty young don’t they!
In an impromptu telephone call, my sister told Mom we were worried about her and Dad, and reiterated that we’d like them to move up to Michigan into assisted living where we could more easily help them and visit more frequently. Over the next several hours, Mom got so upset that she made herself sick for 4 days. She said we should stop worrying and that she would never ask any of us again for help. She said that if we made her move before she was ready, she’d never never never never get over it and would die of upset. She was a pip to be around after that call–swaggering independently with her walker, doing laundry, refusing any assistance, planning garden projects and weekly Sunday open house visits for their friends.
My days were spent taking them to doctor’s appointments; typing up a list of contacts for them including doctors, hospitals, utilities, and friends; shopping for groceries; cooking meals; buying a new answering machine and phone set up (theirs was winding down); sorting through Mom’s 50 years of clutter; and setting up a support network for them after I was gone. The systems I put in place were like shifting sand disappearing under the weight of our footprints.
Just when I thought I had Dad trained to take pills from his weekly AM/PM pill box, I watched him pick up a stray bottle of heart medicine, open it and get ready to pop a pill in his mouth. “No Dad, only take pills from the pill box!”
Before I left I showed them how to use the new phones and answering machine and Dad’s automatic blood pressure machine. I went over the simple steps several times sensing that they were understanding only half of it. We had hired a morning and an evening person to come to the house–and hopefully they could help them stay safe–at least until Mom decided they were costing too much money and let them go.
More often than I would like, I wake up uneasy, with more “failsafe” ideas for their health and safety.
Because I’m a life coach, I’m looking for ways to learn from these experiences with my aging parents so that I can live a better life and help others to do the same. Over the coming months I’ll be writing about these things—things that will help us live healthy, happy lives as we age. Here is my initial list of healthy aging essentials:
- We need to do our best to stay strong into old age–this takes more than just day-to-day physical activity.
- We need to eat nutritious food–at least 80% of our diet.
- We need to minimize excesses–spending too much, eating too much, buying too many things, worrying too much.
- We need to have a supportive network of family and friends.
- We need to have healthy routines and habits in place.
- We need to face our fears and move beyond them.
- We need to have a good attitude about life.
Please share your comments. If you have insights about aging or a story about experiences with your aging parents, please click the comment link at the very very bottom of the page.
Together, we may be able to make this care-giving and aging process work better for all.
To your healthy, happy, life! 
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June 30th, 2008
Wow, Cheryl! You look just like your Dad!
The last two weeks sound like they were really eventful. Something needs to be done about the state of elder care in this country - it’s almost as bad as our health care crisis.
Our parents spend their lives working and, in effect, helping to build companies and then when they need help, their kids are forced to either interrupt their lives totally, piece together a hodge podge of services or go broke trying to get our parents the care they need and deserve.
I’m holding space for our country developing programming that’s helpful and cost-effective for our elders.
Kudos to you for taking the time to be there for your parents!
June 30th, 2008
Hi Cherryl,
I would like to add an advice from my own experience with my own parents, that passed away already some years ago.
From my point of view, it is most important to advice them to drink as much as they can, water or tea and to detoxify the organism, supported by natural minerals and basic bathing-salt. Sorry English is not my mother-language, I hope to have choosed the right expressions
all the best to you and your wonderful parents !
June 30th, 2008
Dear Cheryl,
Your message arrived at a time when I was feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for an elderly parent. My healthy, very active,fully functioning, working mother died unexpectedly 5 months ago. She was 70 and caring for my father (80) and grandmother (90). Together with my brother and my sister, we had to make some life-altering decisions for the two of them. Well, in short, we moved in together to a bigger house to accommodate my father and grandmother (who passed away two months after my mom). Today, I and my sister live with my father; I have a home-based job so most of the time I can watch over my dad. It has been and still is very difficult and painful for all of us.
I have learned:
- that one should be prepared for old age with a healthy and fit body,
- to take one day at a time,
- to try to be kinder and understanding to elderly people (can’t say I succeed every time - but I still try)
- to try to listen to them even if they don’t make sense,
- to forgive myself when I fail to do these.
There’s much more to write but thanks for bringing up a very important subject. I feel better knowing that I’m not the only one experiencing these challenges. I look forward to more of your comments.
Aydan
Istanbul, Turkey
June 30th, 2008
Oh, one suggestion that I forgot to mention. We have a daily check-list for my dad that includes all the meds he needs to take (showing the times) and all daily activities. He marks each one as he goes along. And we have set his cell phone to remind him about pill times. So far it seems to be working.
Aydan
June 30th, 2008
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. We are dealing with a similar situation with my mom. She also has dementia and sometimes it is like dealing with a large two-year-old. We had to make the painful decision to put her in an assisted living home. We thought at first that this would be stressful for her because she is not a social person, but this is forcing her to make new friends which is good for her and her health. If you must make a similar decision, rest assured that everything will work out alright.
June 30th, 2008
Blessings to all of you sweet people. Lena’s right that we need to revamp the aging system. Let’s start here and now. These comments help. I will create a category on healthy aging and we can keep this dialog going.
I love the suggestions you’ve all made. I’m going to implement the check off system asap - the pencil and paper format. My dad likes to check things off - at least he used to.
More later! Keep the comments coming. Cheryl
June 30th, 2008
I like the idea of the check-off list. We’re both list makers so how did that one escape us!
It’s funny that you mention being part of the change. Someone I know is working on a solution to this problem. I’m not at liberty to share any details whatsoever, but I’m going to show her this thread in hopes that it helps her with her planning.
Viven los viejitos!
-Lena
June 30th, 2008
Thanks, Cheryl. Good information for me to use with my 89 year old mother, and hints for actions for me to take for myself.
June 30th, 2008
I just got an email from one of my spies (the morning care giver of my parents) that my dad didn’t take any of his pills on Sunday!
I better get this list thing going! Cheryl
July 1st, 2008
My mother passed away in 1994 after a long battle with Shy-Drager (bad parkinsons) and my father in 1999 with kidney failure.
Being a healthcare professional I took care of their medical and my sister took care of their financial…. and meals, laundry, etc. I was dealing with my own Lupus while coping with their illnesses. Thank God I had a sister to help share the responsibility with.
My sister and I were there for mom and dad thru everything. As a healthcare professional I have to say many many times I don’t see anybody there for my elderly patients. It is truly sad to see an older person who never gets any visitors and doesn’t have anyone to speak up for him/her. And it happens a LOT!
The last time my dad was in the hospital …. the doc who was covering for his doc came to me and said the insurance company wanted dad sent home. Well I worked at that hospital and I had seen his morning labwork. I told the doc “well let me get this right — he has a fever of undetermined origin, his H/H has been falling, his white count is elevated ….. I think perhaps the insurance company is being a bit negligent” …… the doc did a double take, stuttered…… said he was going to call the insurance company. They kept my dad in the hospital….the next day his H/H had fallen more and they gave him a transfusion. That transfusion gave him three more months of life.
If I was not a healthcare professional ….. my dad would have been sent home and he would have died within a few days.
Sooooo my question is :What about all the older folks who don’t have anybody to speak up for them? What kind of care are they getting? Should insurance companies have this kind of power?
And will YOUR doc stand up to the insurance company and take care of you the way you should be taken care of?
Scary….. isn’t it!
Don’t leave your elderly parents alone in the hospital….. be there, be their advocate.
July 1st, 2008
Sorry to be so wordy….. but after being a healthcare professional for 28 yrs I’ve seen so much!
End of life decisions are not a pleasant topic. Nobody likes to talk about that. But I can’t stress enough how important it is that you have a talk with your loved ones about what they want and don’t want medically ……
When folks take a turn for the worse is NOT a good time to make decisions. You really need to know what their wishes are. It makes the situation easier. When you have to make the decision to make someone a “do not resuscitate” …… if they have told you that is what they want it takes the burden off of you.
I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve seen folks put on ventilators and then the family is sorry they said yes to that. It’s NOT like the movies or tv.
Everyone should have a healthcare power of attorney….. in which end of life decisions are spelled out and someone is named to take care of seeing your wishes are carried out.
A Living Will is NOT ENOUGH!!!! In fact, in my view I don’t think living wills are worth the paper they are written on.
July 1st, 2008
Goodness Pam - you and your parents were really put through it! I hear you about the medical system and insurance. Both are desparately in need of repair. And we do need to be advocates for the elderly when they are in the hospital. Being so far from my parents has been maddening.
I’d say more but I just vowed not to complain or gossip for 30 days (see the 30-day Discipline category in my blog: http://cherylmillerville.com/blog/?cat=28). I’m going to have to wait 30 days to complete this post
I love the information you’re sharing Pam - not too much at all. Keep telling us more! I’ve started an ongoing category on the blog about helping aging parents. Maybe you can skip on over there and be a regular contributor since you’re such an expert. Here’s the link to visit: http://cherylmillerville.com/blog/?cat=29
Thanks for sharing. Cheryl
July 2nd, 2008
I’ll be happy to skip on over there and add my 2 cents. I have seen a whole lot in my 28 yrs at the hospital and also experienced it from a personal perspective with my own parents…… if my experience can make it all easier for somebody else ….. that would make me happy.
July 2nd, 2008
Cool beans Pam
Cheryl
August 19th, 2008
Cheryl, I retired from the State of Kansas in March and was glad I did. About that time my mother’s dementia worsened, and she died on June 25. I encourage anyone who has parents with dementia to join an Alzheimer’s Support Group. Cindy Miller and the Heart of America Chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association was a wonderful resource. Call me if you like. 620-342-0502 Thanks! Myrna